


Cocaine, Croissants, and Catboys

by FiveOfStar, stuffycat



Category: croatian politics
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Catboys & Catgirls, Crack Treated Seriously, Croatia, Croissant Play - Freeform, Cuddling & Snuggling, Enemies to Lovers, Family Fluff, Flirting, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Marriage, Politics, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Substance Abuse, buying entire croissant stores, im so sorry, what have we done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27531877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveOfStar/pseuds/FiveOfStar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuffycat/pseuds/stuffycat
Summary: After Plenkovic called Milanovic a snorter on live television, things start to go downhill for poor Milanovic.
Relationships: Zoran Milanovic/Andrej Plenkovic
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Hrvatski available: [Kokain, Krosane i ... Catboyevi???](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27645419) by [junp5i](https://archiveofourown.org/users/junp5i/pseuds/junp5i)



Plenkovic swiftly walked onto the stage and greeted Milankovic with a wrist bump, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Zoran." To be frank, Plenki resented his rival's presence entirely. Everything about him was jarring- his ridiculously well-kept hair, his pebble-grey eyes framed with suspiciously black lashes- there was no way that man didn't use mascara - the way he tried so hard to stay calm, and failed hard, everything. But formalities were compulsory, especially in front of a camera. "Back at you, Plenkovic." 

Plenki hated the use of his surname, he really did. It was like chugging straight poison from a never-ending carton of "milk". Still, he kept a celebrity smile plastered on his face for the cameras and strode over to his podium.  
The presidential candidate couldn't help but chuckle a little under his breath as he braced himself for the insult of a lifetime- one that would smash Milankovic's career into tiny pieces and guarantee his success. 

As the show went on, various points were raised and many egos were deflated. Until... *SSSSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT* Everyone in the room was alerted by the loud noise, Plenki shot a quick glance at Milankovic and noticed his Daddy Pig Vape™® 

He saw this as a complete advantage over his opponent and landed the final blow, "Okay snorter."


	2. Conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Milanovic has had enough, and has a sudden idea of how to get away from his problems.

It took Milanovic a little while to process Plenki's comment about him, but as soon as he did, he stood down from his podium and made his way to the door. "Oh? It seems like Milanovic is leaving for the day, we'll be back tomorrow."

The camera shut off exactly when Milanovic closed the door behind him. It was raining outside but he didn't care anymore, he sat on the closest bench and took his Daddy Pig Vape™® back out.

With tears now streaming down the mans face, Milanovic took out his iphone 12 and opened Gacha Club to make a hated child story, that was until he heard some familiar footsteps.

Milanovic tried to ignore them, but they kept coming closer.

and closer.

and closer.

"Enjoying yourself?" Plenki spoke smugly, "Mind if I sit here?" "Yes, I do actually." Milanovic tried to respond with sas but it was hard for Plenki to take him seriously when he looked like Nikocado Avocado after dropping a quarter pounder on the floor.

The other man sat down anyways and started forcefully patting on Milanovics back. "Don't worry Petit bébé, Plenki is here." The black-haired man slapped his hand away and got up. "I'm going home." He announced before leaving.

When he made it home, he went to the fridge and grabbed a carton of cocaine milk and chugged it. "Mmmm.. That's the good shit.." He brainstormed some ideas to get away from his problems while sitting on the couch before coming to a conclusion...

He was moving to france.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stuffycat had no part in this and im half asleep
> 
> i wrote this while listening to torture dance


	3. Ritual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plenkovic finds Milanovic's Daddy Pig Vape™® on the ground, and then goes to buy some croissants at Konzum. Some familar faces greet him...

Plenki watched his rival run off into the distance like a teenage girl running away from prom, refusing to look away until the source of all his problems became merely a speck in the distance. Satisifed the pissbaby was gone, Plenki turned around to walk to his car home. Until his eyes caught sight of something small and bright pink on the ground.

It was the Daddy Pig Vape™®.

\---

Blurry bright red light pierced Plenkovic's eyeballs. Since when did they start making light-up Konzum signs? Wiping his glasses, he stepped into the store, casually fumbling with the vape in his hand. 

"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNKKKKIIIIIIIII BOOOOOOOOOOYYYYY! ZUM ZUM!" 

A bright yellow blur flew towards Plenki, smacking him right in the face. He was already experiencing croissant withdrawal- he didn't need this.

"Roko, calm down-" 

"What're you doing here, Plenki?" Zvone interrupted, "Were 5 croissants this morning not enough for you?"

"Shut up beeboy, listen, I just need 8 more, so let me-"

"O-ooh, what's that in your hand...?" Zlatka asked shyly, "It's so pretty..."

"And pink..." Medocanstvo added.

"None of your business, now let me get my croiss-"

"...Wait. It can't be..." Zalac gasped, "It's a limited edition Daddy Pig Vape™®!"

"We must complete the transformation!" proclaimed Tina.

"What the fuck are you all talking abou-" Before Plenki could finish the sentence, the vape was snatched out of his hand, and the bees were flying in circles around it. 

"ZUM ZUM. ZUM ZUM. ZUM ZUM. ZUM ZUM." What the fuck was he watching? The politician found himself stepping back as the Zumici bees flew faster and faster around the snorting device until they were nothing but a circular, piss-coloured blur.

"ZUM ZUM. ZUM ZUM. ZUM ZUM. ZUM ZUM." Was this a fucking Satanic ritual? Was Konzum's new owner the Devil? Suddenly, a booming, powerful noise rang out.

"SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT." 

Around Plenkovic, all life in the store was knocked out by the murderous soundwave. All life but him and the bees.

All but them and a small, fat pink pig. 

Looking into its tiny eyes, hatred for his rival melted away. Plenki knew exactly what he had to do.

He would return Daddy Pig™® to his snorter no matter what it took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD IT'S BEEN SO LONG ARE YOU ALL COCAINE-DEPRIVED IM SORRY
> 
> FiveOfStar had nothing to do with this it is all my terrible doing (well she did say i should do a zumici arc)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRLCqIz2N4c listen to this for full suffering experience


	4. Fly away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Milanovic tries to fly to france, but a certain man stops him right in his tracks.

Milanovic redeemed his plane ticket from the man behind the counter, looking him in the green orbs , "Thank you." he wandered off into the waiting room and ... waited.

He was having serious withdrawl since the day he lost his Daddy Pig Vape ™®, he could barely cope and was drinking cocaine milk every day until he eventually finds it back.. the screen above him lit up and highlighted the flight to paris.

Milanovic hopped off of his seat and boarded the plane with grace.

3:58am. Fuck.

There was no way Plenkovic was going to make it. 

He'd run all the way from his local Konzum to the airport, earning himself bewildered stares from all round as daddy pig squealed under his arm. He felt his lungs might collapse at any moment- but he had to keep going.

He sprinted into the airport- one look at his face was enough for him to be let into the terminal- glancing at his watch for a precious second as he approached the take-off site.

4:00am. 

The plane was going to take off. He kept running. He had to make it. He had to-

Its wheels stared rolling.

"Wait!"

Its engine started roaring. 

"As Prime Minister of this country, I demand you sto-"

It was too late. The plane was in the air, taking off. And taking Milanovic with it.

Plenki stopped right in his tracks as his eyes started to swell with tears. "I... I couldn't do it.." Daddy pig whined. "I've.. I've failed you.." he started to loudly sob, getting millions of awkward stares as he did.

Suddenly a group of screams and an explosion roared behind him, the Zumici Family had come to help! "What.. are you going to perform another satanic ritual or some shit?!" Plenki snapped in the bees faces.

"No!! We're just going to help you return the pig to his owner!" Superoko said calmly. The bee hovered over to Daddy Pig and whispered something into his ear, causing him to rapidly sprout wings and take off into the sky. 

"...What?"

sSSSSSSSSSSSSSSNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!!!!!!!!!!!!

With all the might of a predator snapping its prey's spine, Daddy Pig suddenly grew in size, took the plane in his trotters and snapped the plane perfectly in half.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! DID DADDY PIG JUST COMMIT TERRORISM??!!??!?"

But the Zumici bees simply looked on and smiled as people screamed and ran from the giant Godzilla pig. Despite the brute force just used, the pig gently placed the two snapped pieces back on the ground, allowing people to flood out as he grew back to his normal, innocent size. Among those people was Milanovic.

And he, just like Plenki, knew who the pig was as soon as he laid eyes on him.

"Plenki... you chased my flight... just to bring him back to me...?" The politician could barely whisper, tears forming in his pebble-grey eyes. Plenki nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god it took me SO long to finally publish this -fiveofstar

**Author's Note:**

> to every croatian and croatian-affiliated person reading this, we're so sorry that you've had to experience this mess. i dont even know what started this but its definitely going to continue


End file.
